Why I Hate Public Transport*

*this will not be politically correct.

You've been jerked out of peaceful slumber by the screech of the alarm clock. You've scarfed down some breakfast and prepared your lunch. Somehow you've managed to put together an outfit that is incredibly chic and accessorized it perfectly. You've lumbered in a stupor of not-quite-completely-awake semi-consciousness to the bus stop.
That's when it starts to go downhill. There is a woman in a Cookies by George t-shirt standing there with two children approximately 84 months and 60 months old. They are clinging to her thighs like staticky socks fresh from the dryer. They are whining and being bratty. You fumble in a vain panic for the MP3 player that could tune them out and transport you via Bach to your happy place, but it's not there. It's laughing at you from the kitchen table where it sits beside your increasingly tepid and equally forgotten yogurt.
That was a true story.
The reasons to hate public transport begin right at the beginning - the bus stop itself can be a cesspool of expectorating degenerates, squawking rugrats and vacant-eyed clueless 'mothers'.
It comes as no surprise to me that almost anyone who has the means to drive to a destination would choose to eschew this proletarian utopia, rubbing shoulders and sometimes more personal places with the often literally unwashed masses.
After a long day at work the last thing I want to deal with is a crowded bus and that is one reason why I often walk home instead. Sometimes though despite one's best efforts it may be low-energy day or it might be pouring rain and so Transit Tom and I will have a date.
So here is a list of reasons why I hate public transit!

1) The welfare moms who despite being at their liberty, choose to go home from a day at the mall during rush hour. Their SUV-sized strollers demand the flipping up of at least three seats and often the kid isn't even in the thing. The cavity is filled instead by various shopping bags - usually from Dollarama, Giant Tiger and/or The Bargain Shop. The moms proceed to ignore aforementioned offspring by texting/talking on the cell phone or listening to tunes on their iPod. Passengers have the privilege of a running commentary on the journey from the prattling pre-verbal progeny or worse yet- the crying fit. Strangely, despite the shopping odyssey earlier, a soother seems to be the one thing nobody sells anymore.
I have seriously considered buying a half dozen of these things and keeping them in my bag. They could be plugged into gaping pieholes with or without permission where necessary.
2) Lack of personal hygiene - people who have had too much garlic at lunch, adult diaper wearers, and toters of colostomy bags included. There should be a body odour detector at the door of the bus. If you're too smelly, the doors close, an alarm sounds and the bus speeds away.
3) People who are not aware that wearing a huge backpack increases the amount of space they occupy, and other spatially-challenged individuals. When you are sitting in the aisle seat on a bus, your head is at exactly backpack and shoulder bag height. I can't count how many times I have been doofed by some stoned university or high school student who just happily breezes by me completely clueless.
4) Crazy people. a) Some of them talk to you. They don't make sense and they're scary.
b) Others try to get on the bus without paying a fare; they get into an argument with the driver and because he can't or won't argue and drive at the same time, you just sit there as the traffic signal goes from red to green to yellow to red to green to yellow to red...The kicker is that the driver almost always knuckles under in the end, so it's all for nothing.
5) Tards with or without attendant. See 4 a).
6) Lack of ventilation. Despite the bus being an extremely stinky place at the best of times, I seem to be one of the few passengers who have figured out how to open the window. Je ne comprends pas.

The powers that be are so far removed from us plebs that they can't understand why ridership continues to decline. I wonder when the last time a city councillor much less the mayor, rode a city bus - apart from a campaign photo-op publicity stunt that is.
Oy vey.

Bitch pleeze.